No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.