11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You Might Also Like
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.