what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Britain be like
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Should I call tech support or pray or what