Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Only short people can save us
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦