It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.