Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*