“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.