If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.