The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
the Monday after daylight savings
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson