I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
This meal prepping shit is easy
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids