has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.