Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It鈥檚 not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I鈥檒l show myself out*
袉f you can鈥檛 afford therapy try garlic bread.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I almost walked out of the dentist鈥檚 office without putting my pants back on.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn鈥檛. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Whenever I鈥檓 upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor鈥檚 garden.
~poetry
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 馃檪
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]