pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Mornin
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Am I having a stroke?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is