My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The news is so predictable nowadays
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful