“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.