Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher