Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.