if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.