<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much