7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
felt that
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey