Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
🤣😂🤣
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Had to try this trend 😊
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I think I’ll stand
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself