At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
You Might Also Like
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.