What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
This is Sparta
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB