Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
philosophical skeletons be like
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!