[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.