Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Yup.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I just love that new Pope smell.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues