2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
how to exercise your calf muscles
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A