[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I bet
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine