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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Go hard or stay average
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.