If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.