The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I like long walks away from everyone
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.