Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The devil.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
At least my masseuse has my back.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?