Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Accurate
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Aight bet
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Krampus.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option