Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
nyc:
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.