Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You Might Also Like
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?