boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.