[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
good morning
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
why isn’t he texting back