I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.