who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
why no one uses midhusbands
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road