I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
The pasta is now
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.