God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
What number SPF blocks people?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.