He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Sing it!
Effort made
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.