[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.