Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.