As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
LOOOOOOL