Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You Might Also Like
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
who wants to go expliring