I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
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If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Labreador
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle