me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Best mom ever 😂
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
wtf management?!
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.