Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down