If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times